Of Math Instructive Weapons

Have you read this before?

Yet another secret cult has emerged with the aim of making life miserable for Westerners, particularly our young children of school age. (In fact, this one seems to have already succeeded beyond its wildest dreams): Yesterday, at New York's Kennedy airport, an individual was arrested when he tried to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set-square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, US Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is an odd cult whose leader is believed to be a cosine of Osama Bin Laden," Ashcroft said. "There are several divisions and they are prepared to use a wide variety of means to achieve solutions.

The members sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. In addition, they use secret code names such as 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we are positive that they belong to a common denominator known as the 'Axis of Even', with coordinates in many countries. "As the Greek natural philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said: "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from those who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Under the circumferences, and factoring in all the variables, I believe that we must maintain unity and draw the line, cos divided we fall."

President Bush also warned: "These weapons of maths instruction have the potential to decimal our society on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and rid the world of this entirely negative organization."

The President concluded: "Read my ellipse. Here is one principle we are not uncertainty of - though they continue to multiply, we are circling in ever closer, and their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

And Bush won.